|
[Written on 12.17.05]
Constantly I am tearing my eyes away from her portrait upon the wall How can such a serene visage bring so much pain? I like to imagine her hands reaching outwards to touch my face Her hands, barely brushing away the spilling tears that never cease She was one of those people who captured everyone Her laughter was melodius-- it made you turn in curiosity There was nothing hard in her light eyes, no hostility or ire Her wild hair, the color of the trees in the deepest wood I first saw her in the hallway, sprawled upon the tiled floor To my shame, she had tripped over books in my possession Cringing as I felt the upset stares of people around me I could do nothing but stare at her surprised face that echoed mine Feeling the blush rising in my cheeks, I offered my hand to her Stuttering and mumbling idiotically my sincerest apologies Hair fell around my face like a curtain, she laughed the incident off The first day in a strange class, and she sat not far away from me Her name, scribbled in my notebook, hidden from a multitude of eyes Sketches of her in thought, of her smiling, of her looking bored She gained confused looks as she recited a poem she had written aloud And yet there I was, madly scribbling every other word she spoke Grudgingly, I took my place before the class, my poem fully memorized Half-way through, my peers already wore astonished looks, disgust Her brows were furrowed, perplexed, but I knew she was thinking When the humiliation was over with, she passed me a book of her works I rushed home with it, opened it carefully, and her perfume wafted about Reading until sundown, these images and scenes came to life in sleep Beautiful, ungraspable, fluttery objects that made me follow after Flower fields that I lay in, without a care in the world, overwhelmed me I shocked myself into inviting her over one day, surprised at my boldness My hands wringing each other as I paced by the door, waiting, waiting Her figure through the window, I saw, her face was fresh and composed Opening the door, I smiled awkwardly, my hand welcomed her in She saw the garden through the dining room window first, her feet led her Surprise filled me as I watched her wander, she was so sure of herself She stopped at the door, silently asking permission, I nodded, shyly The curtains, her gown, her hair fluttered into the garden first, then herself It was not as pretty as it had been in the Spring or Summer, for it was Fall Treading silently behind her, concerned for her safety in the entanglement I replied to the best of my knowledge, the various questions she asked Her paying attention to me, delighted me, like a flower about to bloom Accompanying her back to her own estate, the door swung open quickly Her relatives gazed upon me with scorn, then upon hers with gentleness It was a bad habit of mine, becoming shy when being introduced to people But after the many words, questions, their attitude towards me lightened Every morning, every afternoon, her books were in my arms, I at her side Often in the garden we were, she with her books, I lay in the grass thinking Sometimes, far from the estates, we wandered into the deep woods Calling out for each other in the thrush, was exciting for both of us And on a particularly crisp Spring morning, she was in my garden as usual Her dress was soiled, she was knelt next to me gazing at the exotic flowers On a sudden whim, my hand took hers and brought it against my face She said nothing, looking thoughtful--so I kissed her chastely on her lips Overtime, the kisses we shared became more full of passion and want I was barely able to control myself, her hands and eyes silently asked me But I would not do such a thing, refusing to become a monster and frighten her And so, one evening over dinner, I boldly slipped a ring onto her finger I was able to charm her relatives by purchasing numerous caged songbirds They were delighted with them and no longer doubted my financial ability Asking only that she and I finish our schooling, they blessed us warmly Her arm tightened around mine as we walked, I felt her warm tears She, the girl of my obsession, became the girl that I fell in love with She, unearthly at the altar, the netting covering her blissful face I almost felt like I didn’t belong there, she wasn’t supposed to be mine But my relatives, and hers, goaded me on with their expectant smiles I treasured the way she felt in my arms at night, her peaceful composure The way she would sigh into my ear as she embraced me from behind The passionate sounds that she made in the bedroom, twisting in my arms I treasured the feel of her fingers in my hair, lulling me into slumber I returned home once on a muggy afternoon in August, removing my coat A smile crept to my lips as I found her in the study, her face lit up She was holding the small body of my child, our child, in her supple arms I kissed her gently, and she carefully placed my son into my arms Letting out a hearty bout of laughter, she turned her head with wonder Our little boy had scampered off after placing a plump worm onto my book A smile graced her lips, her hands went back to dancing among the flowers Leaves fell whipped over the pages, as I regarded the two of them in silence Then one Fall evening, a ghastly feeling of chilliness and dread in the air An owl appeared at the windowsill, a small parchment tied around its foot She rose from her chair quickly, I tried to follow, she waved her hand I tried to follow her eyes, to read the message, but she smiled assuringly She was not in bed one Winter evening, I heard her feet padding around I almost heard her whispering to herself in the room below our bedroom And then she came to me, her eyes expressionless, her hands upon my face Her tears were silent witnesses to the sorrow inside, which I knew not of And then, a particularly still evening, the white snow fell lightly, peacefully I awoke to voices arguing, somewhere in the garden, I rose to the window And saw the most hideous apparition hovering in the air, a face so cruel And she, on her knees, pleading and begging for mercy, hair disheveled In a sinisterly suave voice, the hooded figure condemned her for betrayal I saw her sleeves fly, her fingers grasped around a wooden wand that aimed Watching in horror, they were in the middle of a dance it seemed, colors flew The figure’s robe suddenly aflame, I did not want to believe what I was seeing My heart racing, my feet pounding down the stairs, I threw open the doors And found her immobile upon the ground, the ghostly figure had flown Her body lifeless, her eyes ceased to open, I felt no breath upon my fingers I knew she was gone then, the anger, the questions that would not be answered My eyes shift away from her portrait once more, hearing the knock of my son But still I thought of her, and the secret she had withheld from me, no anger His smile is just like hers, his eyes are drawn towards her upon the wall Silently, I observe them smile at each other, a silent exchange of love We descended down the staircase, listening to the timbre of his voice Telling me the Dark Lord had fallen, igniting momentary ire and frustration The Dark Lord, it was he who had taken her from me, but now he was gone As we stepped outside into the Spring air, her spirit remained in the House. |